adventures in lifeguarding

Among the many things you learn as a lifeguard, number one is, you have a better body than you think you do. Seriously. Look around you. Damn, girl. Next to these people--especially the lady with the hairy chest--you are SMOKIN'. Have you been working out? Number two is, any operation that orders the lifeguard swimsuit without the built-in shelf bra because it's a few dollars cheaper is an operation owned and operated by men. And number three is, people really do not appreciate help. The Good Samaritan was lucky he didn't get punched. People would apparently rather drown than suffer the humiliation of being helped by a lifeguard. My sister Katie is working with me this summer and we've been hoarding stories of the ridiculous things people (including us) say and do. Here's a choice selection.

• Katie: Sir, I'd like you to stay behind the 5-foot line. Man: What? I can swim! All Puerto Ricans can swim! We surrounded by water!
• A man sits down on the back of an inner tube, rather than in the hole in the middle. Me: Sir, can you slide forward into the hole, please? Man: Ooooh, I think she comin' on to me!
• Someone vomits on the wave pool beach; lifeguards blow whistles and clear the pool. Me: Clear the pool, please! Stand up and walk out of the wave pool! Ma'am! Stand up and walk out of the wave pool. [Awkward pause as I realize she is still sitting in the water because she only has one leg.]
• Weird kid: This pool is soft! And comfortable!
• Different kid: Hey, is it true that if a lady is having a baby and she let go of it in the water, that it's gonna be a good swimmer? Me: It's certainly possible...
• Man with thick German accent at the top of a waterslide: Is it compulsory to scream all the way down? Me: Well, it's not compulsory, but it is strongly encouraged.